Inviting Children?

As if the wedding guest list, wedding party and budget planning weren't hard enough, the question of whether to invite children can stir more emotions and create even more drama. Some couples can't imagine a wedding without children while others want absolutely nothing to do with kids even if it means fewer guests can make it. Kids can create an energy and enthusiasm or they can act badly and create a lot of unwanted drama on your big day.

There are many considerations on inviting children to a wedding. If you have not made concrete plans yet it is strongly advised to figure out who among the possible guests has children - their ages, whether family of your guests live nearby to babysit, and whether some are out of towners. Also important is whether your families have small children - this becomes very sticky because the wedding is a mini family reunion and to uninvite children means you could be creating world war three in the family since aunts, uncles, and grandparents may only see their grandchildren or the little ones at weddings.

One of the biggest mistakes I see made and read about in wedding planning books, articles and magazines is the (false / simplistic) notion that if you do not write the names of the children on the invitation, it will signal to parents that the event is child-free. I have many issues with this advice. In no particular order the problems here are:

•Waiting until 6-8 weeks before a wedding to say it’s kid free when you knew 13 months ago is potentially asking for BIG feathers to be ruffled. Parents are often aware of needing to buy their children new wedding clothes, babysitters can be hard to find, and if the parents expect the kids are invited they may be talking up the wedding and practicing good behavior for the big day.
•Expecting everyone to know wedding etiquette is a lot to ask of anyone, especially most of your guests who are long ago married or who are so used to bringing the children they wouldn’t even notice the lack of their names.
•Not confronting known-issues by this non-confrontational method is going to nothing but bite you back. If you are well aware of hurt feelings it is much better to get it out in the open as soon as you know the event is kid free rather than letting people assume kids are invited and waiting til the very end. Besides - if some people throw world war three and tell you they refuse to come, hey, at least you have a better sense of the guest list!
•Pregnant guests who may have small babies are going to be super sensitive to the ‘kid factor’ and if they know it is kid-free or kid-friendly, they will rest easier knowing if they will be able to make it or find a babysitter.

So what do you do it people insist on bringing their children anyway? Number one rule is “blood talks to blood” when there is conflict. If this is your fiance’s uncle who insists on bringing his kids, the best person to respond is your fiance’s parent who is related to this uncle. Generation-to-generation will be much more effective and respectful than you trying to have at it with this person you barely know and have no history with.

The reality is you can avoid a lot of stress if you chose to not invite children by spreading the world as soon as you can or letting it be known when it comes up. Having "a line" that you give to your parents and in-laws will help keep the hurt feelings to a minimum. Something like, "they came to the really difficult decision that with the space, budget and time of the wedding it was best to have an adults-only wedding." Something that allows for the awareness that hurt feelings may arise, but the decision was not simply about you not liking their children.

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